"SMILE PLEASE . . .
Strange how things come about, really: one day I'm bimbling around as per usual, minding my own business, and the next I'm mixing it with high glamour modelling for a glossy monthly gentlemens' mag. Ah, but tragically, not a stocking-top in sight. No, the magazine is that up-market "Classic and Sports Car", the only nipple visible is on the suspension of a vintage Bugatti Type 51 (Ed - is this ok for a family magazine like Farina News? - KB. No - Ed.), and the glamour model being photographed is none other than my A40.
Confession time. I'd never even bought a copy of "Classic and Sports Car" in cold blood, though my dentist has 'em in his waiting room) and I was very surprised when journalist Malcolm McKay phoned me to arrange our meeting (or "photoshoot" as we celebrities call it).
"But why," I queried, "do you think the readers of your magazine will have the slightest interest in a small 'fifties family saloon car?" Answer came there none, until I met up with Malcolm and photographer Tony in a little village near Aylesbury a few days later. And all became clear as Malcolm explained that, although at first glance the content of "Classic and Sports Car" might appear to be 80 per cent eye-wateringly expensive machinery, in fact the mag covers a huge range of classic cars of all years, and that one feature article in each issue is indeed called "Starter Classic". Which is why he needed an A40 Farina in a bit of a hurry, seeing as how that was the model next in the feature list.
"I know a nice white wall," announced Malcolm. (Are these two characters part of our beloved government's Care in the Community, I wondered privately.) Not mentally deranged, though, just planning ahead. Seems Tony prefers a side shot of a car against a simple background. They could have chosen me - how much more simple did they want? The local village hall provided the desired backdrop and Tony got to work.
Then - "I know a nice pub," announced Malcolm. ("Aha," I thought, "free drinkypoos.") Crushed again - Tony needed a photogenic location and the pub in question faced the tiny village green of Marsh Gibbon. So, too, though we didn't realise it straight away, did the trade entrance to the village butchers. "Just park it by the kerb there," said Tony, "take the tax disc from the windscreen, and close the window on your way out." (The thought crossed my mind - a short journey - that perhaps this was an elaborate sting by the merry gents from Thames Valley Police, eager to keep their crime rate stats up to scratch: "Ah HAR, gotcha mate. No tax disc then!")
But no; after he'd shown me the proof shots (from a Polaroid) I can attest that Tony worked miracles. Ignoring some near misses from passing vehicles, he set up several photoflash lamps on little tripods, all connected to his master camera which was sitting on its own tripod in front of his car. After carefully adjusting the view to his satisfaction he was preparing to begin photographing, when a slight snag arose. The green was in fact a triangular piece of grass bordered by three roads. The A40 occupied one, Tony's car took the second, leaving one free for village traffic (horses, LandRovers, tractors - that sort of thing).
And after the static 'shoot it was time for the action pictures. "Just drive steadily along this deserted piece of country lane and ignore us as we keep station off your rear bumper but on the wrong side of the road. And for goodness sake, don't brake," came the instructions. Yes well, easily said. Appearing to be nonchalant while the reflection in my driver's wing mirror shows a mad photographer hanging out of the passenger window of the chase car ain't too easy, I can tell you. Worse was to come. At the end of the two mile lane our mini-convoy turned round and I was alarmed to find Tony preparing to scramble into the Austin's back seat. "Keep your left hand at seven o'clock on the wheel," he commanded, and just drive steadily back to the village." (What's with this "steadily" request - do they think I howl round country lanes like Mr Toad?)
I tell you this: for in-car entertainment a photographer flashing (eh?) behind one's left ear beats a wireless hands down. He must have taken three dozen snaps (ooer, I mean photographs). I thought the excitement was all over when Malcolm asked if he could drive the car back to his cottage to talk rust. He seemed to enjoy piloting the old bird, but perhaps he was just being polite. Did I say it was all over...?
"I need Tony to photograph areas of your car which are prone to rust," he said, as we stopped on his drive, "and some comments from you would help me enormously. But first, hop into the driver's seat and let's get a picture of you at the wheel." Do you know, my mind went a total blank. I challenge anyone to remain cool, calm and collected (oh how I wish I'd been collected) as a professional photographer barks orders at you (Relax. Move your right hand a tad. Lean forwards a bit. Is that a smile?? Oh come ON...) while you're simultaneously trying to gather your thoughts together to say something sensible about rust and repairs. Knowing full well, too, that this professional journalist is going (God help me) to publish my ravings for the delectation of a no doubt very knowledgeable readership. Blessed if I remember what I said, but eventually both my tormentors seemed happy with their morning's work.
"The piece is sceduled for this November's issue," said Malcolm, "but I'm not sure just when that might be. The publication month often moves forward into the last week of the previous month but, with Christmas the following month, who knows?" Who indeed. By then I hardly knew which way was up, I was so boggled. During moments of stress the human mind often goes into overdrive - mine had gone into overload. Tony bade us farewell and zoomed off, no doubt to photograph a Ferrari or something, while Malcolm and his lovely fiancé Marielle fed me lunch and talked about my ownership of the A40. An hour later I clambered back on board and rattled off homewards, reflecting as I went, that there really IS no such thing as a free lunch..."
(Currently, on this site, the published magazine's pages and a PDF can be found in the thread "out 'n about pics)